Sitting on the floor of the shower stall
Trying to drown the voices in my head, running wild,
Trying not to resent myself for it, or what comes after.
Trying to wash out the realization that I’m alive,
Trying not to hate the poor things, poor souls,
What could they even do to help? it’s not their war,
Eager, meager soldiers for a battle long been lost,
A stringy form of support they are, but well, at least they are.
I wish every cell of me would break away, and die,
To be reduced to nonexistence seems like such a peace..
After all this time though, I will not take this way out,
As much I want to simply stop, to seize, to cease,
There is still an ounce of fight left in me, buried deep,
I may be swaying sideways but I am looking straight,
Throw your best at me, come on, knock me down,
You won’t get me this time, this time I will not break.
My battle is with myself as much as with you
I fight the call of my own blood, to be freed and let out,
But I will lock it in my veins, that’s where it belongs,
It pounds at me from in my head, rattles, screams and shouts,
But I will win, bring on both fronts, do whatever it takes
You cannot break me this time, I don’t fight to be alive,
I fight to not break, and that’s all, today I will not break,
This time, I will not break, and I will survive.
It’s not about living anymore.
It’s not about living or dying. It’s not about how much blood I can spare, how much won’t make a difference.
Neither is it about how no one will notice this time either. It was never about them anyway.
It’s not about the screaming. Or the fighting. Or the sense of sheer helplessness
It’s about not going down that road, no matter what. It’s about opening the drawer with my old blades stashed at the back, staring at them for an excruciatingly long minute, and slamming it shut, the way it should be kept.
It’s about standing in front of a blaring voice grating on every raw nerve ending in my body, and staring it in the eye.
It’s about weathering this storm. Not seeking refuge from pain in pain. Standing in front of them because they need me. Revelling in the fortitude that I will do so, knowing that I am disposable. He could do me away in a minute. He doesn’t need me.
I’ll still be standing there. I will not break. Not today.
Not today. I will not break.