I Will Not Break

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Sitting on the floor of the shower stall

Trying to drown the voices in my head, running wild,

Trying not to resent myself for it, or what comes after.

Trying to wash out the realization that I’m alive,

Trying not to hate the poor things, poor souls,

What could they even do to help? it’s not their war,

Eager, meager soldiers for  a battle  long been lost,

A stringy form of support they are, but well, at least they are.

I wish every cell of me would break away, and die,

To be reduced to nonexistence seems like such a peace..

After all this time though, I will not take this way out,

As much I want to simply stop, to seize, to cease,

There is still an ounce of fight left in me, buried deep,

I may be swaying sideways but I am looking straight,

Throw your best at me, come on, knock me down,

You won’t get me this time, this time I will not break.

My battle is with myself as much as with you

I fight the call of my own blood, to be freed and let out,

But I will lock it in my veins, that’s where it belongs,

It pounds at me from in my head, rattles, screams and shouts,

But I will win, bring on both fronts, do whatever it takes

You cannot break me this time, I don’t fight to be alive,

I fight to not break, and that’s all, today I will not break,

This time, I will not break, and I will survive.

 ©CM

07.06.2013

It’s not about living anymore.

It’s not about living or dying. It’s not about how much blood I can spare, how much won’t make a difference.

Neither is it about how no one will notice this time either. It was never about them anyway.

It’s not about the screaming. Or the fighting. Or the sense of sheer helplessness

It’s about not going down that road, no matter what. It’s about opening the drawer with my old blades stashed at the back, staring at them for an excruciatingly long minute, and slamming it shut, the way it should be kept.

It’s about standing in front of a blaring voice grating on every raw nerve ending in my body, and staring it in the eye.

It’s about weathering this storm. Not seeking refuge from pain in pain. Standing in front of them because they need me. Revelling in the fortitude that I will do so, knowing that I am disposable. He could do me away in a minute. He doesn’t need me.

I’ll still be standing there. I will not break. Not today.

Not today. I will not break.

Not today.

Daily Prompt- http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

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16 thoughts on “I Will Not Break

  1. I felt like that was my hand up there in the picture. I have numerous white lines in the same place. Just know that this too shall pass. If you want, you can talk to me. 🙂

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    • Thanks sweetie. Those lines used to stand for everything that I needed, for a few dark years. Now I know they’re everything I don’t need. Thanks so much for the support. I’m honored to have friends like you here. ❤

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  2. hisimage13 says:

    Stay strong, its had, I know.

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  3. PapaBear says:

    Cookie Monster !!! From what vat did this evil monster arise? This is extremely dark and sad. Please say it’s not something personal. You are too good for thoughts like these. Love & a big Hug!
    Paul

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    • Ah, Paul, if this came from a vat then I have a whole distillery, trust me. Is personal but you know me. Down occasionally but never out. =) thanks so much for you love. I really really appreciate it, and you. =)

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  4. Madsies says:

    o_O Oh Gosh, there’s so much Strength and Force in this one. Love it.

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  5. i love this piece. going through a tough time in residency, and i suddenly realize i should get back to writing poetry. hope you’re doing good kitty..

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  6. Virginia says:

    “I may be swaying sideways but I am looking straight,
    Throw your best at me, come on, knock me down,
    You won’t get me this time, this time I will not break.”

    Whenever I read your writings I am blown away at how well your put your thoughts into words. I. CAN’T. DO. THAT!!!! The words get stuck in my brain. It is gorgeous what you do…even if what you are writing about is less then beautiful.

    I wish I could be there to steady you whenever you sway. I know the feelings all too well. But I am getting better I think. Because I have been keeping my focus forward…and not to the side.

    Look straight, you amazing woman! Always keep on!! You are a light to others…even when you don’t realize. And, remember, if it is threatening to destroy and darken, you are not looking straight!! xoxoxoXO!! ❤

    Like

    • Double awww, Virginia dear!! That is a fantastically encouraging thing to say! I’m going to do a conga round the room, thanks to your comment! 😀

      And yep, tunnel vision can be a blessing when employed correctly, can’t it? Good for you that you’re channeling it, instead of letting it overwhelm you! And sweets, you are a light to me. I’ve got this megawatt smile on now! 😀

      Megahugs!

      Cookie ❤

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