Open Letter from a Cookie Monstah
I’d been flirting with the idea of a longish, speak my heart out kind of post, but I had no clue how to put what I was thinking into words. Probably because I did not know what part of what I was thinking, to write about. After bumping off a few walls though, I decided what I needed to say most of all was. It was thank you.
I started this blog eight months ago, in January, when I was on vacation from medschool. This whole year has been grueling hard. I’ve been worked down physically to my bones, mentally and emotionally to bits and pieces, and I’ve never had to run harder to stay in one place ever before. I started this blog on a spur of the moment impulse, a what-the-heck-lets-just-try-it thing, and half an hour later I was picking a theme. I never expected it to take off. I never thought I’d get more than a handful of followers, if any at all. Most of all, I never thought I’d make friends here, find a family.
From that point to where I am now, there have been so many changes in my life, and me as a person, that it’s really testament to how much a person can change. I go back to some of the first posts I shared here, and I think, who is this girl? I’ve changed in manner, inflection, habit… some for the better, some for the worse. I know I don’t laugh as much as I used to before, but now when I laugh, I’ve stopped faking it. Now when I laugh, it means something. I’ve stopped talking as much. I don’t chatter on aimlessly to fill the gaps in my life anymore. I’ve learnt to figure out the persons in my life who really matter, and the ones who really don’t. And it wasn’t bad, because now I love the ones who matter even more fiercely. Most of all, even though I still don’t like the girl I see in the mirror, I’ve come to realize that there so many people who do, and some of them love me too, despite having never seen me. I’ve been trusted with so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many secrets… and so much love. It has humbled me beyond comprehension to think of it all, and made me grow, like I never had reason to before.
And I’ve grown. I’ve grown older still. In some ways wearier, and weaker, but for the most part, stronger. And all this while, when I was putting my innermost waves and turbulence onto the screen and clicking ‘publish’, I had you. All of you. I knew you were reading, listening, taking the time to stop from your busy lives and for a few moments, feel my life, my words. Some of you helped me to pause and stand up straight, helped me smile, helped me really smile. You helped me work harder, keep it straight, gave me reason to anchor myself. I drew that strength from you, that love, and you gave it freely. Some of you, some metaphorically, some literally, held me tight when I cried, and God I love you so much for it.
I’m not as sweet as I used to be, nor as carefree. Nor am I as worried about stepping on toes, or taking the beating quietly when someone steps on me, because as anyone who’s read the Abnormally Normal bits can tell, it happens often enough. I’ve learnt to shrug off things I cannot change, and change what I cannot shrug off. And I’m learning, learning still.
And I have you with me. Thank you for that.
So much, so much love,
Ps. Thank you for the nudge, Weekly Writing Challenge.
Pps. The other reason why I needed to say thank you. I got my results today. Your Cookie Monstah is now Doctor Cookie Monstah. 😀