L’amour et la Réalisation
I realized something today.
I don’t suck in my stomach around you anymore. You know, the way I self consciously hold it in around other people. Most of the time, I just curl up next to you, all thoughts of crossing my legs or tucking my ankles in, long forgotten.
I rarely touch my make up up, when we go out. I generally end up eating my lip gloss and my eyeliner fades to a few shades lighter, but none of those things, that i would otherwise fuss about, none of that even registers.
I don’t feel like I need make up to be pretty, around you. I feel pretty all the time, around you. And it feels pretty good.
The same goes for high heels. I realized that I no longer make my feet suffer tottering stacked heels or stilettos every day. I don’t really feel like I need to compensate, for being a shorty. I wear them when I feel like, and when I don’t feel like, I don’t.
Just like I’m not holding back when I laugh with you. At that moment, I feel genuine delight, not the need to not smile so wide because my teeth are too big, or my cheeks too puffy. I laugh, and it feels pretty good.
Just like I don’t obsess about my hair, or my clothes. All the artificialities, all the pretense, all the reins have fallen away.
Just like I don’t rein in my tongue, or bite back answers I know, so that I don’t seem too smart. Or like a know it all. How I’m not afraid of taking the spotlight anymore. Simultaneously, how I don’t feel like I need to prove myself to anyone. How I’m content with just watching, and listening. And learning.
Just like I’m not ashamed of being who I am. Of eating as much as I want to when I’m hungry, without being paranoid that I’ll be taken for a glutton. Like I’m not guilty of taking some time off for myself, a feat hitherto unheard of.
Like feeling that I deserve good things too, and that settling would be unfair to me. I’m not ashamed of feeling like I deserve something.
Like I am someone.
Did you ever realize, all that you’ve done for me?
I’m eating a walnut brownie sundae right now. It tastes pretty good. And the fact that I can eat it, and no longer need to obsess about throwing it up soon… I wont lie, it feels pretty good. =)