Throttled

Throttled

There are reasons to smile
Life is full of them
There is cause to be lit
With delight, from within
Some you love, some who love you
Some meaningless
But they earn a grin

But the common denominator
Has always been hatred
The end
Of every reason
I ever had
A physical manifestation
Of the slaughter
of my happinesses

I get to call him
‘Dad’

© CM
06.09.2014

You’d think I’d catch a break eventually. Apparently not.

Every time my father ‘visits’, it sets whatever progress we’ve managed to make on a personal level, back to square one. While he has stopped being actually physically abusive, the psychological warfare has only, and only escalated.

Hours and hours of listening to my father drone on about what character flaws are the sum total of my character, it’s tedious, to say the least. I mean, he’s averaged five hours of monologuing a day these past ten days. It’s hard enough absorbing that commentary on a good day. Add to that cocktail the rather bitter struggle I’ve been having with my suicidal tendencies and relationship issues, however trivial or devastating, just makes it too many battles on too many fronts. I mean, it’s not normal to be this resilient. I should at least have had a stroke by now.

But nope. Arteries of steel or something. Its fifteen hours now that we’ve been running around the house preparing for some stupid brunch party he’s organizing for his friends. I’ve spent the last two hours peeling eight pounds of apples on the menu for later. And he just spent the last half hour nosing through my closet because apparently my make up makes me look like a hooker. So, he’ll decide what I’m going to wear.

Rant over. Still alive.

Dammit.

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14 thoughts on “Throttled

  1. chimerapoet says:

    If you need examples of your work and worth, my laptop will implode as I start banging on the keys. You are enough. You. Just you. Tell him what to do with his apples and his pitiful attempts at fathering and stand up straight. Because you don’t need to justify anything to anyone. YOU. ARE. ENOUGH. more than enough. {{{{{{{CM}}}}}}

    Like

    • Lol, you’re such a sweetheart, C. ❤ Don't worry about me, I'm a big girl. I just get majorly aggravated lol. :p I really don't care about what he says. Mainly cause I stopped caring about myself, so nothing he tells me can hurt for long anyway. As for being a hooker, I was probably looking good and it made him feel insecure or some bullshit, I know how his psycho head works.

      Lots of love back at you, sweetie. Thanks for putting up with my yadda yadda. :p ❤

      Like

  2. andy1076 says:

    sorry your dad is being such a pain, though I have other words for him. I have a daughter and I can’t imagine why any father would do that to his own flesh and blood 😦

    Like

  3. Sand says:

    Totally toxic relationship. And I already know you won’t get out.

    Like

  4. unbolt says:

    Please, don’t give up! Please!!

    Like

  5. Chatty Owl says:

    How sad…. Sigh. Somehow it makes my heart weep.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Madsies says:

    Oh Cookie. Tonnes of Hugs. Bright days to you Love. ❤ Love the hateful poem only in the context of words.

    Liked by 1 person

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