Stained

I don’t want to die this way
I don’t. I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I really really don’t.

But it’s like I need to. I need to stop thinking and stop feeling and stop typing things with shaking bloody hands, I need to stop everything and stop my heart and stop my head. I need to stop shaking inside my head and I want to but I don’t know how to and I really just want to die.

And she hates me. She hates me and it took her one second to forget everything I’ve done for her and she wants to me die and leave her be and she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care. He doesn’t care, she doesn’t care, he doesn’t care, she doesn’t care, none of them do and all I do is care for them and shake and i don’t want to anymore. I dont want to care anymore and I don’t want to feel like I need to sit down and bleed bleed bleed it all out every single fucking time like I do every single fucking time and I’m sick of shaking. Im sick of shaking. I’m sick of not being strong enough anymore. And I’m scared.

I’m scared of everything I can feel if I let myself feel and I’m fucking melting and coming apart at the seams and I can’t anymore I can’t fucking do this anymore, I can’t pretend to keep my voice steady when there’s an earthquake inside my chest and my teeth won’t stop chattering and I can’t fucking talk like my voice is fucking normal. Causw it’s not. It’s not and I’m not and I can’t fucking fake it anymore. And the room smells like blood and raw meat and I can’t scrub the stains of my sheets or off my fingers or the caked streaks on my shirt and I’m fucking scraping my hands raw but the stains won’t come off. I’m stained. I’m stained from all the times I cared but you don’t and she doesn’t and he doesn’t and none of them do and i cared. I cared and I’ve been rocking myself back and forth for three hours now and I’m tired, I’m tired but the pills won’t let me sleep, the pills won’t let me sleep, the pills won’t let me sleep and my heart just keeps going at its maddened pace and the chasms just widened too far apart for me to pull myself together again, this time I can’t because I’ve gone quite, quite insane, quite insane and I can’t stop it, I can’t stop it, I can’t stop bleeding and shaking and breaking and I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Stained

  1. chimerapoet says:

    like being hit by a truck, words with an impact. brilliant.

    Like

  2. Obvi…I don’t “Like” like this…but I live this. Everyday. Right now. You blew me up when I read this, and somehow helped lance the boil too.

    Like

  3. lengesinski says:

    Words/Post hit like nothing short of a train-Full on, but still alive and surviving. Best to you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Madsies says:

    Very strong, the words. Love to you Cookie. Xoxo.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s