Ending It All.. And Starting Over
I feel like I have reached a crossroads.
Of late, I’ve had a feeling that has been intensifying. Maybe it’s dissatisfaction, maybe it’s a thoughtless worry. Maybe, a little of both. Most of all though, I’ve reached a level of happiness that allows me to sit back and examine my life.
I have very few reasons to be happy. Extremely few. Even among those reasons, people number fewer. And the reasons to not be happy, outnumber the former many, many times over. But it’s testament to the potency of quality over quantity, that I still find myself… Happy.
This attainment does not qualify me for any measure of stasis, though. Au contraire, it pushes me more than ever before. A restlessness, seeking betterment, seeking more. It’s the headiness of a bird who has just learnt to fly, who knows that he is flying, and never wants to walk on the ground again. Much of the same, I want to spread my wings wider, grow, encompass more than ever before… Happiness has brought me change.
The smallest of changes stand illuminated in my mind. Holding a conversation with pretty girls and not remembering feeling inadequate at any point, in the conversation. Not coming away feeling like a troll, or worse, a troglodyte. Not feeling lesser than anyone. It feels like I grew an inch taller, just there.
Being looked up to. Being helped. Realizing the sheer amount of love I have, from people who tell me, and people who don’t. Realizing I have people who want to show me the way, even when I’m being a little obstinate and keeping my eyes closed (’cause I can be a pretty stubborn jack@$$ sometimes, I know). And being led to understanding- how strong, how effing bleeding strong I am. That’s a big one.
Recently, I had a meltdown of unprecedented proportions. There was no air in my lungs, and I wanted none. I have no words for that day, for that moment, except that I knew permanent damage had been inflicted. And yet one day later, I was smiling despite it. Another day, and I knew I was going to live after all.
I’m going to pin this write up here, for myself as much as anyone who needs a reminder of how strong they are.
You got through everything before this. You will get through this. There have been hours and days of misery, but you found a reason to smile eventually. You will smile again. You will laugh again. You will know happiness, despite whatever pitfalls come your way- and they will. Life is nothing but setting up for one stumble after the other. It’s the elation of catching yourself, and realizing that you’re still standing, that makes life worth living. Worth going on. You, are worth going on for. You have gotten through everything before this. And you will, you will get through this.
I feel like I’ve reached a crossroads. I didn’t even notice, I was walking blindly and the road ended. What’s up ahead? I have no clue. I might dye my hair blue. Start playing the banjo. Specialize in gastroenterology. Might go vegan (yeah okay, not that, I love chicken too much). Whatever it is, happiness and depression will still be part of the journey, as much as the earth and the sky are.
I’m still going to keep walking.
Thank you, for walking with me. You know who you are. ❤