Who Knows?

I always had really odd goals, growing up.

Most girls I knew wanted big flashy jobs, with big flashy husbands and lots of money and lots of kids, in random order. I wanted to live alone, preferably in a country where no one knew me, and from where I could send bucketloads of money to my mom, so that she wouldn’t have to depend on my dad. And to my siblings, so that they could at least have a ‘normal’ life growing up.

Normal. That’s the word I looked for. That’s what I dreamed of. My classmates would have stories of family movie nights and dinners and parties. I’d chime in with an almost entirely made up set of family stories, about a happy vacation or a farm in the outskirts where we went on the weekends. Or excuses, like how I couldn’t come to a camping trip because I was going out of town that weekend. Or no to a sleepover  because I had to go to some important dinner or wedding. Stories of a normal childhood. Pages of a normal life. Normal, normal, normal. That was the recurring theme.

 

Till normal stopped being so important. Eventually so much of the truth and the bitterness slipped through the cracks, that the lies became too many for me to even carry around. I gave up on the lies, gave up trying to fit in. I stuck out. Like a sore toe. Like a bruised and bloody toe, lol. And I didn’t care. Bruised and battered does not exclude being occasionally happy, and that’s fine, really. I learnt that I didn’t need to lie, just because I was different and my hopes and dreams were different. Heck, I was stronger than most people I met, and I learnt that that was something to be proud of, not ashamed. I grew a spine, nurtured a modicum of self respect, and let the anger go, and some of the bitterness. I changed, and at some point the dreams changed too.

You’d think that at some point of being so continually lost, you’d give up on ever finding yourself. But apparently it doesn’t work that way. I should be used to this life by now, but I look back and I’m in exactly the same position I was ten years ago. At least I’m past being that girl who lifted weights, in the hope of bulking up her biceps and being able to hit dad back if he hit mum (unlike all the others who just wanted to be skinny and pretty). Still, forced to put up with my dad. Still living a bizarrely restricted and warped lifestyle. Still having to defend my mother and siblings, still struggling to figure out how to move out, how to get away. I know what I have to do, but I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

 

I’m tired of waiting for dreams to solidify. For a love I know I probably won’t ever get, and even though I got it, not the way I hoped. For freedom, for liberation. For not feeling like self destruction was the only control I had over my life.. and for not wanting to hurt myself, just to feel a little in control again. I’ll be twenty five in a couple weeks’ time, and I still go through the day feeling like I’m seventy five. I’m just tired, I’m so tired.

I’m tired of waiting. I’m tired of hoping and planning and compromising. Being that incredibly strong and incredibly brave girl with the beautiful soul. I thought there would be more, to life. How do people get so much more, and even though I have it all – money, family, a career, even love, in a way – I still really have nothing at all?

I just thought that there’d be something more. That there would be a time when I would be able to sleep at night with none of these cares on my mind. With a person on the other side of the bed who would hold me while I slept, maybe. Who knows, maybe kids in the next room, a job the next day. Planning a road trip down to a concert for the weekend.

Or maybe none of that is meant to be, and I’ll just be living this life, for whatever is left of my life. Who knows.

 

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12 thoughts on “Who Knows?

  1. Green Embers says:

    I totally understand that feeling of tiredness. It seems like each year I want to do less and less.

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  2. Virginia says:

    I know what you mean. But I’m just gonna have to say this: DON’T EVER STOP DREAMING!! If your dreams change, that is fine, but KEEP THEM COMING! If you are tired and need to slow down, that is fine. But don’t stay there long. Get UP! Dream BIG! Know the road that you want to be on and if all you can do is take just ONE step…do it. Don’t…ever….EVER…give up….completely. Rest if you must…but DON’T QUIT! I am cheering you on forever, girl ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

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  3. So…as a transgender woman, you have just written what it is like to be in a body different than my being.

    This has contributed to my theory that all people are “trans” in some form or fashion…not gender or sex, but “trans” in that we are trapped in something we were never destined for.

    Very profound piece of writing, and now even more profound challenge of living ahead. I am there with you, and we can stumble thru things hand in hand across the miles and time!

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    • I’m glad that you could relate to it.. Not glad that you could relate to it too, though. I just keep saying the same thing over and over- there has to be something more than this. There needs to be something more to life that this mindless, meaningless existence, the very underpinnings of which can be pulled away in an instant. I’m tired if believing in happinesses which aren’t mine. Maybe it’s accepting the fact there just aren’t any that are ‘mine’.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. This world is full of stories, almost everyone wants to escape because they are not satisfied for where they are, at the moment. Some crave for a struggling life, while those who are going through it curse their fate. Everyone has a story.. but only few pushes themselves ahead despite all the odds. Those are then called the warriors.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Madsies says:

    May the odds be ever in your favour. ❤

    Like

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