Lucky Sevens

Lucky Sevens

One, tried to burn myself
Set my hair alight
But accomplished not too much else
Couldn’t even get that right

Two and three, thought I’d be
Better off with a blade
Tried to cut myself free
Guess it wasn’t meant for me
Bled pretty well
A fainting spell,
and not much else,
My veins ought to be ashamed

Went for four, stood in the store
Drank ’bout a pint of bleach
Think my insides are cast iron
It came back up the way it went
And not a scratch on me
Mostly
Did have to have my stomach pumped
Monitored, spent the night
Pointless though, all that effort
Stubbornly still alive

I almost had it, on the fifth
Used science to formulate
A plan to tire my tired heart
So much, it wouldn’t renervate
Exacerbated the pain, it didn’t still
Under the massive dose of
Caffeine pills
and alcohol
And half a bottle of phenobarbital
Would have made it, but came away
Because his love called my name
So insistently
I should have known right then
Not to listen
I was just setting up to fall again

By the sixth, I was broken, bent
Past repair, destroyed,
Devoid of hope
I’m exhausted beyond comprehension
For my ascension, or descent
Doesn’t matter where,
more than when
I thought I’d finally be let go
Made sure my pressure’d fall so low
That life would refuse to rise
Again into my closing eyes
But refuted all my plans, so
Here I am
(Though why, God knows)

I might not scrape it through to Heaven
I guessed that, seeing as you don’t care
Heaven probably too won’t want me there
But maybe, just maybe
I’ll get lucky sevens

© CM
09.12.2014

I’m back, after a short reroute through the hospital. Back to exactly where I left off, though, just a little more patched up that before. Thank you for all the emails and kind messages y’all sent- I really do appreciate the love you send, even though I seem to be a whiny, pessimistic little ingrate for the most part, I truly am grateful. I didn’t mean to scare anyone. I was just… done. I’m not sure if I’m any better off right now but I won’t be trying anything, soon anyway.
And if, if someday I do vanish, my sister has my login and password to tell you- keep me in your prayers.

Thank you, again.

Cookie

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6 thoughts on “Lucky Sevens

  1. PapaBear says:

    Glad to see you’re back. Don’t do silly things without asking me first, OK ??? Huge Hug !!! 🙂

    Like

  2. wbdeejay says:

    Hey, glad you are here still. Sorry that it got so difficult for you. I don’t know what else to say other than being in that existence sucks and it may take some time and effort to find your way out, as I am slowly managing to. So sending you support and hugs.

    Like

  3. I don’t “Like” this.

    I do get it.

    I am praying for you, for you have resounded in my spirit and are a part of my heart in this way.

    I know my Mama, and She is so kind and good. I am asking Her to touch your brow and let you know. Maybe try talking to Her?

    Her Name is Lady Grace, Wisdom…Her Name is Mama and She is so kind. I mean, she even takes the likes of me…I mean, talk about being trapped in this world…I am trapped here, and then in solitary inside this fucking awful horrible male body!! I cannot even describe that horror.

    But Mama has loved me in this place, and because of Her Love, I have found legs to continue.

    Hey, I got no need or agenda to “tell you” about Her…I ain’t like those people. I’m just saying that talking to Her really helps me, and we seem to have a lot of things in common.

    Her only rule is that you have to be absolutely butt honest. Say the bottom of the bottom…and then the conversation will start. But be ready, cus She talks back…

    And if all that seems like bullshit, well then just please sigh and know that the crazy Charissa bitch feels you, and cares.

    Much love…Charissa

    Like

  4. Madsies says:

    You are a nut. Glad you are back. I love you a lot. 🙂

    Like

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