I still remember the first time I saw you.
So clear that I can replay it down to the smallest significant detail. You walked in and I told my friend, “that one’s a 9/10, easily”. She went “nooooooo!” and I quickly nodded along to avoid giving anyone teasing material. That was six years ago, almost to the day.
It’s funny to think that someone who just coexisted in an overlapping radius in my world, could gradually become the center, the nucleus of my existence. Defy the laws of physics, of gravity. Shatter all the logic I possess (and we both know, I have more than my fair share of that, lol). From that stray glance in the doorway, I’ve come to this day where I’m sitting in bed for I don’t even know which night in a row, trying to cry as softly as possible as the alcohol kicks in, and toweling up the blood before it stains the sheets.
Blood. I wrote you in my blood. I wrote you on my veins. Back and forth over my skin so many times that you don’t see the skin there anymore- just your name, over and over again more times than anyone could read, but not even close to a fraction of the times I said it in my head.
The strange part is that I’m really not ‘obsessed’ or overreacting. This was to be expected, but I didn’t expect it. I never let myself fall in love before. Not while I was growing up, not while I was chasing normalcy, not when I realized that I didn’t fucking need anyone’s definition of normal. I never let myself fall in love. But you gave me so much stability that I let my roots grow into you- and now I’m uprooted.
I don’t understand it either. I know I’m strong. Cold even, a cold hearted resilient bitch who just refuses to die. I’m like a stubborn weed. You try and try to yank the fucking ugly thing out but it always grows back, tough as ever. What happened to me? How did I become this pale, withered straggler hiding from the sun, slowly eating its own holds away- because I know I am.
I know you think that this is a good opportunity for me to ‘build’ myself, build my future. Something like that. I don’t think you’re factoring in this simple truth- I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’m not as strong as you. I’m no ones definition of strong anymore.
Im nothing anymore.