The First

I still remember the first time I saw you.
So clear that I can replay it down to the smallest significant detail. You walked in and I told my friend, “that one’s a 9/10, easily”. She went “nooooooo!” and I quickly nodded along to avoid giving anyone teasing material. That was six years ago, almost to the day.

It’s funny to think that someone who just coexisted in an overlapping radius in my world, could gradually become the center, the nucleus of my existence. Defy the laws of physics, of gravity. Shatter all the logic I possess (and we both know, I have more than my fair share of that, lol). From that stray glance in the doorway, I’ve come to this day where I’m sitting in bed for I don’t even know which night in a row, trying to cry as softly as possible as the alcohol kicks in, and toweling up the blood before it stains the sheets.

Blood. I wrote you in my blood. I wrote you on my veins. Back and forth over my skin so many times that you don’t see the skin there anymore- just your name, over and over again more times than anyone could read, but not even close to a fraction of the times I said it in my head.

The strange part is that I’m really not ‘obsessed’ or overreacting. This was to be expected, but I didn’t expect it. I never let myself fall in love before. Not while I was growing up, not while I was chasing normalcy, not when I realized that I didn’t fucking need anyone’s definition of normal. I never let myself fall in love. But you gave me so much stability that I let my roots grow into you- and now I’m uprooted.

I don’t understand it either. I know I’m strong. Cold even, a cold hearted resilient bitch who just refuses to die. I’m like a stubborn weed. You try and try to yank the fucking ugly thing out but it always grows back, tough as ever. What happened to me? How did I become this pale, withered straggler hiding from the sun, slowly eating its own holds away- because I know I am.

I know you think that this is a good opportunity for me to ‘build’ myself, build my future. Something like that. I don’t think you’re factoring in this simple truth- I’m not as strong as I used to be. I’m not as strong as you. I’m no ones definition of strong anymore.

Im nothing anymore.


11 thoughts on “The First

  1. globalunison says:

    I don’t understand why this ‘build yourself’ crap comes in between — nobody realizes that sometimes our strength is gone with them. However, you may be nothing right now but remember nothing is something too. Too philosophical? lol

    Take care and keep writing!



  2. PapaBear says:

    Nothing !!! Just think…, in the beginning, all things in this world/universe were built from nothing. Just start at the beginning again and create a new, better, stronger you. You were just dealt one of life’s losing hands this time, Cookie, ante up and ask for a new hand. You’re not the loser in this game !!! 🙂


  3. Virginia says:

    Nothing could not have created such amazing poetry and other writings. I am so envious of your skills….you know even know.



  4. wbdeejay says:

    Mind dragged down, caught on the body, in the blood, flowing pain, hurting.
    Lift your energy to a higher level.
    Thoughts about yourself, about failure, about the pain, about who caused this and who’s to blame.
    Leave all this below and move your energy focus to a higher level.
    Now your spirit will care for you, advise you, as it hovers around seeking nourishment and support. Let it guide you above the dragging thoughts and emotions of the lower levels.
    And when you are ready, let your energy rise to an even higher level.
    Your soul soars as an eagle on the wind. Above the mountain tops, free to see all that exists around and below. Free to choose your path, free to envision your future and bring it to fruition.

    This is the journey of the perceptual states. Based on the Inca lineage of Peru. Perhaps the most valuable lesson I have learnt all year. Watch the webinar where it was introduced to me:


  5. I do relate…give yourself the space…indulge it all, let it rage. And then, deep breath, and blow it all away, flush it, and live the life so fulfilled that it is the best comment you can make on how the abandonment affected you.

    It is like the old Japanese films I have watched…the bad guys come in to a village, destroy everything, except one person, who falls to the ground utterly bereft and weeps, wails, and all is lost.

    They cry themselves out…camera on their shaking back…and then…and then…they rise up, look off in the distance, and their eyes grow cold…

    …well you just know a hero is born in that moment. Giggles…it is so corny, but there is a truth there I have drawn on


  6. Madsies says:

    Light to you hun. Xoxo.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s