I got tired of life again today.
Somewhere between loneliness and exhaustion in front of that seemingly insurmountable pile of things that I have no control over. It was like walking through a ravine of defeat, where every way out is out of reach -not a good place to be. So I thought of all my reasons for going on. Love, the future, family. And none of them seemed enough.
But there’s always a point missing, even in ‘pointless’.
I realized that the constant exasperation had frazzled my nerves to the point where something as simple as a change in plans on short notice, was getting to me. My entire day, my entire routine, has reduced to dealing with my family all day while I try to study. Even when I’m with friends, a portion of my mind is constantly obsessing about the going ons at home. And then I go home and talk to dad either face to face or Skype to do damage control for our various transgressions and life lessons of day. Sleep, wake, repeat.
And there is the problem.
The problem with self sacrifice is that if you’re not careful, you run out of ‘self’ to sacrifice, very soon. Being there for others is fine. Taking charge of a household, juggling a career or preoccupations is fine, but there has to be an off switch for it.
You have to switch off sometimes.
If you don’t, your day just becomes one, long, painful stretch of annoyances, and then your week. And then your month. I have no idea where this month went. I stopped stretching, let alone working out. Stopped making my own drinks or snacks. Stopped reading, stopped praying, stopped meditating. What’s infinitely worse is, I stopped writing as much as i want to, because I rarely get left alone long enough to think and write, or even post in peace without someone trying to peek into my phone over my shoulder. I’m so behind on comments that I feel a bit shameless even posting again and again without catching up on saying thank you, and that’s just. not. right. I look like I’m forty and feel like I’m seventy, and that’s not right either. That’s not right but that’s what endless self sacrifice does.
So it’s time to start putting ‘self’ back in.
I’m going to make time for myself. Even if it’s only twenty minutes of ignoring the clamor and the ringing phones and banging doors. Twenty minutes where the cars on the street are as distant as the dead stars in the sky. Twenty minutes today, twenty minutes tomorrow, and maybe more, the days after that. It’ll depend on how much time I need for myself.
Things are going to change….