Cabin Fever

Cabin fever

Trapped in four walls
With four faces
Round and round
Repetitive motions
The same routine
The same
Fucking
Maddening record
Going in circles
It seems
And I’m sick of them
Sick of my fellow convicts
Grating on my ragged nerves
Bars on the windows and a
Sliver of the sky
Imprisoned here forever

I think I’ve come down with
Cabin fever

©CM
01.05.2015

I should’ve never given up my anger.

When I was fifteen, I made a conscious decision to stop being angry so much because anger didn’t solve anything. Granted, the anger issues I had were a healthy and normal response to the bullshit my father did, but it still hurt my mother to see me rage and broil the way I did. So I decided to cut back on it. Hold the retorts back, keep the temper down.

Worst decision ever.

All I served to accomplish was that I let my father fix my role as the go-to punching bag permanently. My mother fixed me into the ‘you’re older and you’re expected to compromise and forgive’ role, while specimens A and B took me for granted because they saw from a very young age that they could say or do anything to me, and I wouldn’t retaliate, nor would my parents intervene. And while that made for a lot of peaceful compromises from my side, it never erased the rage.

I deserve my anger.

If my brother talks to me the way he does and doesn’t get slapped in the face, it’s wrong. If my sister treats me the way she does and doesn’t get a slap in the face too, that’s wrong. They’re six and eight years younger than me. But somewhere down the line I compromised giving love and lost out on getting respect too- and that’s all wrong. I deserve my anger. I deserve to feel wronged. I deserve apologies and I need to feel hatred and rage, not breathe easy and let them go.

Anger is healthy. Anger is a normal response and worth far more than compromising for a few minutes of peace, and paying for that peace with weeks of ill treatment.

I will be angry.

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2 thoughts on “Cabin Fever

  1. Madsies says:

    You have my vote love. Peace to you. Xoxo.

    Like

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