The day I grew too old for lies
The reason I’d gone over at all, was because I was desperate to try at least once more, to be normal. I walked in, smiling hesitantly, and he smiled widely and pinned me to the wall not three feet from the door, scrabbling to pull my clothes off while I pretended to smile up at him. But I couldn’t pretend, I couldn’t pretend, I didn’t have it in me to pretend one more time.
I burst into tears and it took him a couple of moments to realize that these weren’t any tears of joy at seeing him after so long. He stood there, still weighing against me but rapidly wilting, as I sobbed harder and harder because I knew that I had to tell him. Till at last he pulled back and leaned against the opposite wall, still absurdly half naked, watching me crumple to the floor, crying my heart out.
I’d say it probably came as a surprise to a man who had never seen me cry in five years.
But I wasn’t crying for him. I was crying for me. For all the lies is been told, for all the lies I’d accepted, for all the masks is been hiding behind. But masks break, and mine had. And I was trying to face him for the first time.
It wasn’t working.
“It’s just that I feel so old… I feel too old for you, too old to be doing this with you”, I whispered brokenly.
“What are you talking about? I’m older than you! Have you been drinking or something”
“You’re just a boy”, I murmured. “Look me in the eye and tell me that you would love me even if I didn’t agree to change”.
“But you said that you would! And in return I’ll love you with everything that I have! I told you before. I’ll probably make you sadder than anyone ever has, but I’ll also keep you happier than anyone ever has! And anyway”, he snapped, grabbing at his crotch crudely, “You really thought this was the best time to tell me all these things? It’s been way too long already!”
I looked up sharply, all the sorrow cut away by the sheer force of realization. “Yes I did. There’s never going to be a better time. There’s never going to be ‘another’ time. You don’t see, do you?” I paused. “I meant it. I deserve something better than forcing myself to be normal. I deserve to be loved for my flaws, and you’re never going to. I dressed to be loved, not promised love for when I am a complete and obedient slave. And what’s more”, I continued, “you deserve someone more like you, too.”
“So that’s it?” he asked coldly.
“Yes”, I said softly, refusing to look away. I sighed and started collecting my things. “You’re a good boy. Some day you’ll be a good man. But you’re not good for me, and I’m not going to be your kind of ‘good’, ever.
And I’m done dealing in lies, I’m too old to lie to myself anymore”.
He watched me with flint like eyes, that muscle twitching away in the side of his jaw. This time, I would not bear the brunt of his impotent rage. This time, it wouldn’t be my problem.
“Oh yeah”, I turned at the door before walking out. “Been too long? It hasn’t. Matter of fact, you’ve always been too soon.”