What Have I Left Behind?

What Have I Left Behind?

I can’t help but wonder if

The price of having made it so far 

Has been altogether too high

I stopped walking with you

I walked away, not because you

Didn’t love me, but

Because you lied 

And two

Doesn’t count as promiscuity in any book

But it did in mine 

And since I’d begun to

Let you in, I’m guilty too

I broke your heart because I almost

let you inside 
But life comes full circle 

Many times over 

And now he won’t let me in 

Like I didn’t let you in 

Remembrances plague me

-what have I done? 

Was I the one for you, just like

He is the one? 

Did I leave you before our course was run,

Should I have explained?

That I was already in pain, and watching you

Crack and break, again and again 

Was twisting my spine into two?

Should I have confessed that I 

Almost could have loved you?

That you scared me, that I was stupid

That you deserved more than a childish 

Girl, writing to you

Sharing her world with yours, across four seas

That I never even saw the light, but you

Were a devotee 

That I still wonder in every weak moment 

Whether I could have stood tall

Next to you, even though every week

I watched you fall 

Two broken people who hid their faults 

Sought to defeat reality

Neither of whom believed in love 

-no, this is not my apology

But my concession 

If nothing else, we learnt the bitter 

Beginnings of redemption

We were not growing, we were codependent 

Halves 

But the possibility of being more 

Was one we never had 

Before- I gave that to you

And after years of rejection you taught me

To know

And let the right one in through 

Even though it meant that

It wasn’t you 

Could I have stayed? 

I don’t know, I still don’t 

What have I left behind?

Did I add affliction to your addiction 

Just because I could bear to be reminded

Of your weakness, of your failing

Is that my defense 

Because I was crippled, and I sought strength

Instead you took mine from me and 

I had none left to lend

I couldn’t even leave you as a friend

I ran away, terrified 

Told myself I’d come back to stronger 

You lied to me, then I lied 

Took the years to make a self

For myself 

And actually found love 

And in every glance he denies me

I know what I deprived you of 
Maybe he’ll tire of my weakness 

Maybe he’ll seek his own strength, and walk away 

Maybe the world will circle again, and he’ll wonder some day

Whether he should have kept his hand in mine 

That said- I know for sure 

You always deserved someone who loved you more 

That I could

You’ll be happy that you left me behind 

©CM

15.09.2016

You meet a lot of people in your life, and they teach you. But sometimes you meet someone who teaches you that life exists. And then someone who teaches you how to build one, now that you know it exists. 
I’m trying to build one now. And I’m grateful for every lesson. 

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One thought on “What Have I Left Behind?

  1. Madsies says:

    Abysmal. Keep the good vibes going! Love and only Love.

    Like

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