What Have I Left Behind?
I can’t help but wonder if
The price of having made it so far
Has been altogether too high
I stopped walking with you
I walked away, not because you
Didn’t love me, but
Because you lied
Doesn’t count as promiscuity in any book
But it did in mine
And since I’d begun to
Let you in, I’m guilty too
I broke your heart because I almost
let you inside
But life comes full circle
Many times over
And now he won’t let me in
Like I didn’t let you in
Remembrances plague me
-what have I done?
Was I the one for you, just like
He is the one?
Did I leave you before our course was run,
Should I have explained?
That I was already in pain, and watching you
Crack and break, again and again
Was twisting my spine into two?
Should I have confessed that I
Almost could have loved you?
That you scared me, that I was stupid
That you deserved more than a childish
Girl, writing to you
Sharing her world with yours, across four seas
That I never even saw the light, but you
Were a devotee
That I still wonder in every weak moment
Whether I could have stood tall
Next to you, even though every week
I watched you fall
Two broken people who hid their faults
Sought to defeat reality
Neither of whom believed in love
-no, this is not my apology
But my concession
If nothing else, we learnt the bitter
Beginnings of redemption
We were not growing, we were codependent
But the possibility of being more
Was one we never had
Before- I gave that to you
And after years of rejection you taught me
And let the right one in through
Even though it meant that
It wasn’t you
Could I have stayed?
I don’t know, I still don’t
What have I left behind?
Did I add affliction to your addiction
Just because I could bear to be reminded
Of your weakness, of your failing
Is that my defense
Because I was crippled, and I sought strength
Instead you took mine from me and
I had none left to lend
I couldn’t even leave you as a friend
I ran away, terrified
Told myself I’d come back to stronger
You lied to me, then I lied
Took the years to make a self
And actually found love
And in every glance he denies me
I know what I deprived you of
Maybe he’ll tire of my weakness
Maybe he’ll seek his own strength, and walk away
Maybe the world will circle again, and he’ll wonder some day
Whether he should have kept his hand in mine
That said- I know for sure
You always deserved someone who loved you more
That I could
You’ll be happy that you left me behind
You meet a lot of people in your life, and they teach you. But sometimes you meet someone who teaches you that life exists. And then someone who teaches you how to build one, now that you know it exists.
I’m trying to build one now. And I’m grateful for every lesson.