Floodgates

I want to open my mouth

and have only rainbows pour out

with that same breathless quality

with which nightmares tear the ground

Flowing from my ears at night

Wild-maned terrors, champing to bite,

Iron shod hooves tossing restlessly

while my own twisted feet make no sound

except their untangling, in bedsheets strangling

slowly, insidiously, ‘round my neck snaking

Fingers cold as death on my own shaking

straining for the nearest light, to put down

the shutters, the shudders of whatever horrors

metallic-tasting dreams and bruised lip murmurs

rustling threateningly, behind creaking floodgates

Cracked fingernails leaking ink, insistently loud

But because I will,

I open my mouth

and have only rainbows pour out

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Floodgates | Yusra

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What are you not telling anyone? .

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I feel as though I am frequently guilty of this. Of simply rolling over and falling asleep, and ignoring some nagging unwellness that has been pestering me. But it scratches at you, making you increasingly restless, till it starts spilling over into the part of your life that you only ‘portray’. When the person you are is unwell, it’s only a matter or time before it starts leaking into the person you’re supposed to be.

For the sake of metaphor and stunted humor, let me say: we’re nothing more than giant bathtubs. If you don’t deal with how much is swirling in there, pretty soon it’ll be sweeping out from under the door and reaching the guests in the living room.

But it’s not about the guests at all. People who visit you don’t live with you- you live with you. We none of us take the time to recognize our existence as a little, self-contained biome that needs a little tending to flourish- and a little pruning. If the diseased parts and chipping fingernails don’t get trimmed regularly, you’re not going to be growing.

And that’s already too many house- and body part analogies, but I’m going to leave you (and myself) with one last one: this body and mind house each other. And in levels of intensity, each one of them needs your care.

Open those floodgates now and then, okay? I promise you, there will be a rainbow over all that you’ve bottled in, flowing out. ♥️

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Fray

On the Rocks- III

On the Rocks- III

I drain the glass of whiskey
And let it fill me up
There’s a message in
a bottle, right there
I cared less with the last one
And I’ll care less with the next one
At some point, I
Won’t even care
I’m looking forward to that

I know I’ll meet you there

©CM
14.07.2015

Night Vision

Night Vision

It’s like how you learn
To see in the dark
When you’re locked in there
Indefinitely

Like you train yourself
To breath water
Instead of air
And then keep breathing
If you’re lucky

Like you learn
To love the burn
When you’re sparking
Electricity

I’ve wanted to die so long
That I want to live today
I’m ecstatic

It feels good
To feel, finally,
Happy

©CM
14.10.2014

Fear

Fear

There are fears
vulnerabilities
Putting my heart on a platter
for you
it was never easy

But I did it
for myself
I needed to

‘Completely’ was
the only way I knew
how to love you

I’m afraid now
because I can’t fix this,
Repair this, or
Despair this
See…

I love you so much
That it scares me

©CM
12.10.2014

Gluttony

Gluttony

Another bite
just one, one more
Let the fragrance engulf my nerves
the way your intoxicating pull
draws us inside out
Soft, tender nibbles
Teeth on my neck
And nowhere
for you to turn to
Juices running down my chin
I wouldn’t lust for
pure ambrosia
As I do
for your skin
This ache
Gnawing hunger pangs
rippling through

Would that I could take
Another bite of you

©CM
11.10.2014

The first of my Seven Sins. Hope you liked it. More on the way! 🙂

Hide

Hide

I should have kept this love inside
There it could have suffocated
Silently
Without any of this
Protest
Silently, it could have suffocated
There it could have writhed
And died
I should have kept
this love
inside

Since yours has
already died
I’m empty, full of broken pride
I should have kept
this love
inside

© CM
27.09.2014

Possession

Possession

I wonder
What it would be like
To have you here
With me
Legs entangled with mine
hand splayed across my middle
Your sweet breath on my neck
It would be
Ecstasy

The moon would have her song and
The Tides wouldn’t have
To run dry
The sun needn’t ever come up
We could spend eternity, in that wretched languor,
you and I,
The symphonies of nature could end in madness
The world, as we know it, could disintegrate
The oceans could drown it all, till everything alive was dead,
We’d lay there together, you and I,
I’d be drowned in you, instead

I think I am already,
No wonder I can’t get you out
Of
My
Head

The spiderweb cracks across my roof
tell me stories,
of all they’ve seen
They know the hours
I wrote
Waking to dawns
Through nights
That have never been
The patterns replicate, like inky shadows
Etched permanently
Part of my skin
Images burned
behind my eyelids
Nestled
In the hollows
Of my eyes
Within
The glitters of
Maddening intensity
Alight
Cracks, through which
the surviving insanity
seeps through
Craving the dark
And in the dark
Come alive
When they reach
You

And I own nothing
And I am nothing
Except that one
Singular possession
Till my last breath I’ll keep
And you’re the last thing
on my mind
when my head
hits the pillow

Is it any wonder then,
That I can’t sleep?

©CM
02.09.2014

Voids

Voids

Lapses of judgement
In moments of indecision
Hesitance
From emptiness
Gnawing away

Eating at the edges
Denuded
Eroded
Gaping maw like scars
Barren fields of thought
The wasted space

Of oblivion, of eternity,
Both potent promises
Of love
Both
vacant lies

Abysses loom
Behind every breath
Behind every pulse
Scented in blood
Staring, desolate
abandoned,
are dry eyes

Voids live
In those black
parallels
Haunting
the real world
with disbelief
Perpetuating voids
of regret
Feeding off the pain
And the fears grow on
Past all
Reprieve

Voids
All irreparable
Voids 

©CM
04.08.2014

Total Internal Reflection

Total Internal Reflection

I built my heart with bits of glass
Splintered and cracked,
here and there
With every ounce of courage left over
And false bravado,
I lied
And I didn’t care

And he lied, it lied,
They spun the fantasy
And reflected, rainbow like,
In that prism
Of spiderwebbed glass
I spun some dreams for me

And I knew, of the fragile illusion
The caprice of winking images
With nothing behind
And yet, for that moment I stared,
I laughed
Convinced myself
I’d found peace of mind

And I know, it’s going to hurt
Unbelievably so,
When I break
when it breaks

But I can’t stop believing
I don’t want to stop believing
This beautiful lie,
These beautiful lies I made

Everything so precious
I shelter in my crystal heart
Is a fake

No wonder that, when it cracks,
so do I

I too am ready to break

© CM
21.05.2014

I wish I could tell you so many things.

I wish I I had a way of not falling asleep thinking of you, thinking of everything you are, and everything we aren’t. Everything we’ll never never be.

I wish I could fall asleep without crying for it, for us. For me.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror, and see anything except ugliness and hate. Anything except ridicule. I wish I could, but I don’t.

I wish at least some things would go right, the way I want them to, but nothing ever does, does it?

I wish that wishes would come true, but I know they don’t.

I had wished for you…

❤