Three years ago, there was a night when I realized it for the first time.
We were lying in bed in the dark, the kind of dark that overwhelms your senses. Or, perhaps, it felt that way because we were both far too drunk to even feel horizontal, despite being horizontal. It was not our first night together, nor the second, nor any number that merits a special mention. It was just another night, perhaps remarkable because it was a strange bed in an almost-stranger’s house.
That was the first time the thought sliced so painfully through my mind, it left me crippled with realization.
We hadn’t spoken, till undressing for bed. I’d asked for something irrational, in the midst of drinks, and you’d responded in kind, maybe a little more asinine than I deserved. But we were hurt. There was hurt in the room, and silence, only amplified by the lack of light, and the sheer absence of any communication.
We weren’t asleep. On a whim, I turned to look at you, and you looked back, eyes glittering in the merest of lights coming in from God knows where. And that image is branded in my mind- not because we let everything melt away in apology, in love, in poking fun at ourselves for being idiots right afterwards. But because that was the moment in which I knew.
I knew that for as long as I lived, there would never be anything I could hold against you.
There would never be anything I would not forgive you for. There would never be another person, another living being I could love, love with this intensity, this mind numbing, brain searing, thought obliterating intensity. And I knew eve then that we were doomed, we’d always known, but I knew, God I knew, that wouldn’t stop me from loving you till I broke to pieces, no matter how many times I broke to pieces.
And I did. And I do.
And there have been many nights where I relived that decision. Many others where I lay awake wondering to myself, how could my heart have had the presumption to go and make this decision, this decision that spins my existence awry, without at least consulting my brain first. I was the logical one. The calm, near cold, outwardly warm girl who kept her heart very, very safe. And in the span of the space between two heartbeats, I’d looked at you and known, that this was the cliff I was meant to jump from. This was my oblivion, this would be my drug for as long as I lived. I would be cut to pieces in the realm of pain between it happening and it not happening, but I chose, I still chose, I could not but choose to love you.
And I did. And I do.
‘Does it hurt’, she asked softly, ‘when
A Child of Lillith falls in love
With a Child of the Moon?’
‘I don’t know’, he smiled,
‘I imagine we’ll know the price of
What we’re doing, very soon.’
‘It’s not pain that worries me’, she
whispered back. ‘It’s the thought of knowing you,
and then not.’
‘I know’, he said, tracing her cheek, ‘but
for what it’s worth,
There are some things that outweigh Oblivion.
Didn’t even the Angels fall to Earth?’