The Storm

The Storm

Thunderstorms, they batter me
Buffeting, the tossing winds
Threatening to tear apart
Each and every crack, each rent
Hunched over, huddled and bent,
Even forced onto my knees,
I hold you within my heart
And in you, I find my peace.

I walk through the fire, ashen
Tears and grime staining my cheeks,
I know you will hold my hand,
And I’m strong even when weak
In this poisoned atmosphere
I struggle to stand, to lead,
But I hold you in my heart
And in sight of you, I breathe.

And in sight of you, I grow,
I hold myself and let go,
Even drenched in blood and sweat,
I feel spirits freshen, flow
I feel my essence strengthen,
I feel my pulse quickening
When I hold you in my heart
I feel my awakening.

The storm has not abated,
Neither has the quaking stopped
The thorny path still cuts me and
Demons flame, proclaim their wrath
Nothing has changed around us
But everything, within me
For I hold you, in my heart,
And I fight my wars in peace…

©CM
09.07.2013

Sometimes, you don’t believe in yourself. You find yourself broken, you find yourself inadequate, unworthy. You find yourself… not good enough.

And then, someone else comes along who believes in you even when you won’t, or can’t. Someone who’s there with you every step of the way even when they’re not there. Someone who trusts you when you don’t trust yourself, someone who sees strength in you when you feel like you have none.

Someone, who loves you.

If you have someone, count them as a blessing. That’s what I do for mine.

Here’s wishing you have someone to love you too…

Love and light,

Cookie ❤

I Will Not Break

Sitting on the floor of the shower stall

Trying to drown the voices in my head, running wild,

Trying not to resent myself for it, or what comes after.

Trying to wash out the realization that I’m alive,

Trying not to hate the poor things, poor souls,

What could they even do to help? it’s not their war,

Eager, meager soldiers for  a battle  long been lost,

A stringy form of support they are, but well, at least they are.

I wish every cell of me would break away, and die,

To be reduced to nonexistence seems like such a peace..

After all this time though, I will not take this way out,

As much I want to simply stop, to seize, to cease,

There is still an ounce of fight left in me, buried deep,

I may be swaying sideways but I am looking straight,

Throw your best at me, come on, knock me down,

You won’t get me this time, this time I will not break.

My battle is with myself as much as with you

I fight the call of my own blood, to be freed and let out,

But I will lock it in my veins, that’s where it belongs,

It pounds at me from in my head, rattles, screams and shouts,

But I will win, bring on both fronts, do whatever it takes

You cannot break me this time, I don’t fight to be alive,

I fight to not break, and that’s all, today I will not break,

This time, I will not break, and I will survive.

 ©CM

07.06.2013

It’s not about living anymore.

It’s not about living or dying. It’s not about how much blood I can spare, how much won’t make a difference.

Neither is it about how no one will notice this time either. It was never about them anyway.

It’s not about the screaming. Or the fighting. Or the sense of sheer helplessness

It’s about not going down that road, no matter what. It’s about opening the drawer with my old blades stashed at the back, staring at them for an excruciatingly long minute, and slamming it shut, the way it should be kept.

It’s about standing in front of a blaring voice grating on every raw nerve ending in my body, and staring it in the eye.

It’s about weathering this storm. Not seeking refuge from pain in pain. Standing in front of them because they need me. Revelling in the fortitude that I will do so, knowing that I am disposable. He could do me away in a minute. He doesn’t need me.

I’ll still be standing there. I will not break. Not today.

Not today. I will not break.

Not today.

Daily Prompt- http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/06/06/daily-prompt-four-stars/

Father Figure

Father Figure

 

 

You were meant to be a man
The sheltering canopy, shade,
Keep the bitter sun away, and
Meant to hold me, when scared

He who clasps my tiny hand
Pats my head, or tweaks my nose,
Meant to be, a father figure,
Watch over me as time goes

And instead you crushed the rose
Snipped the bud and snapped the stem,
Barred the gates for laughs to flow,
Broke the star of Bethlehem

Made the world a bleaker place
Painted, doused in grays and black
And if a hint of light showed,
Bolted the barred curtain back.

And I saw me through your eyes
Twisted, ugly and malformed
Let you demolish my being
And in that inferno, I formed

It was you who sowed the seed
That grew thorns, but all for you
In the furling, blooming years,
Threw the buds and kept it cruel

So you sowed and so you reap,
I am built of brambles, pain,
I run through with poison, hate,
All your loss is what you gained

All for you, my father figure,
Undeserved of eulogy
From you was my black current
That will be your elegy

I bury you in the shadow
In the lost, never began
Write you in a dead language,
Scripted in forgotten hands..

All the sneers, the mocking spite
All the torture that befell
I will watch it pull you down
Through the accursed gates of Hell.

And for that, my tale to tell,
Ends in hope, of coming peace
Kept trapped in a hollow shell,
I will fly to blessed release.

©CM
08.01.2013

 

 

 

To everyone who’s still in an abusive situation, you will get out. To everyone who’s made it to the other side.. You’re a survivor. There is no one stronger than you.

Domestic abuse is yet another form of bullying. Except that this time, it doesn’t come from a random stranger who stuffs you in your locker for your lunch money. Or that girl who makes you do her homework. No, when it happens at home, it hurts just that much more.. Because these are the people who are supposed to love you, aren’t they?

And yet this happens. People incapable of loving themselves don’t find it in them to raise their children with love. And the cycle perpetuates.

It doesn’t have to, though. There’s only so long that someone can subdue or oppress you. Either you or someone who loves you, will find the escape route… While the culprit remains trapped in the empty rooms of their mind, where they find that the person they hated and wanted to drive away, was really themselves. And if you hang on with tenacity born of survival, you’ll find that way. Keep fighting. Fight for yourself. For your heart, for your sanity, for you own life and you.

Because you will get out. You will make it to the other side. You’ll live and laugh and love. No matter what happens. You’ll be free.

And you will survive.

 

 

Love and light,

Cookie ❤

 

 

 

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/03/09/daily-prompt-vip/

Let’s talk about Self Harm

Let’s talk about Self Harm

(Part 1 of a 3 part series)

BACKGROUND

You’re meeting up with a friend for lunch. You’re at a restaurant and while you both are eating and catching up, her long sleeve slowly slips to reveal row by row of neat, evenly spaced parallel cuts on her wrist. She quickly adjusts it, but now you know your friend cuts herself. She acts like nothing happened, and you pretend the same, for the sake of normalcy.

You’re in school and changing for your Phys Ed session, and you notice the girl next to you is quickly changing behind her locker. You see a delicate web of scars on her leg, and you look away. Because, you know, she’s a freak and it’s not your problem. But what if it is?

Self harm is alarmingly on the rise, and yet the concept is just as misunderstood as the victims of self injury and abuse. It’s not some sort of attention seeking behavior, nor does it mean that the victim is suicidal. If you know someone who harms themselves, please read on. A solution to self harm can only be attained through understanding and empathy. And if you are trapped in a cycle of self abuse, please, read on- you’re not alone, there is a way out.

People who self harm are often dealing with multiple emotional issues, and sometimes, severe abuse. To those of you who have been blessed with a normal life, the concept may seem absurd- ‘How can people hurt themselves to drive away hurt? It’s defies logic!’ But take a moment and try to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine a young girl in her teens, already dealing with her body changing rapidly and in ways she doesn’t fully comprehend. Living in a house with alcoholic or addicted or abusive parents, being bullied in school, being picked on by the other kids her age, struggling with course work, being repeatedly molested by a neighbor or a teacher, or worse, a family member… As much as we’d like to act like this doesn’t happen, it does. More than half the kids we talk to deal with any and sometimes all these problems. There is a sense of helplessness, of no control over their lives or their situation. Imagine that state of despair, and then it becomes clear, why so many of them gravitate to the temporary relief that self harm provides.

Some kids discover self harm by accident. They hear their parents yelling and screaming, and bolt the room shut and grab onto something sharp and squeeze, till the physical pain cuts through the mental confusion, giving a sudden rush of clarity. Slowly and steadily, they seek this kind of ‘hit’ every time something goes wrong. And like every substance of abuse, a tolerance builds up gradually, so that each time, they need to push their boundaries further, just to feel sane again. If you have been a victim of self harm at any point, or still are, then you will understand this need for clarity, for release.

But self harm isn’t the answer to any problem. If anything, it complicates your situation even more, and puts you in danger of permanently damaging yourself, physically or mentally. And this time, you’ll hold yourself responsible. You’ll blame yourself for the anxiety, the panic. You’ll isolate yourself to drive away anyone who might notice the burns or the scars, and the alienation will only add to your loneliness. It might seem like the easy way out, but it’ll only drag you down. You’re preventing yourself from healing emotionally, from recovering and dealing with mental trauma in a healthy way. That tiny moment of indecision and weakness will only add to your burden, and you’ll keep going in circles around the issue at the heart of the problem, instead of setting up a way to counter it and defy it.

If you are a victim of self harm, please understand. You’re not abandoned, and you’re not alone. There is a way out, and by knowing where you stand, by reading this, you’re already taking the first steps down the road to recovery.

Love and light,

Cookie ❤

Next part- Self Harm- The Problem

Ref- Davidson’s Principles of Medicine

Image courtesy-
http://thunderandthreads.blogspot.in

This article has been featured at http://interactblogs.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/lets-talk-about-self-harm/