The View From Where I Stand
Today was not supposed to be a ‘writing’ day. But something quite phenomenal happened, and I really want to put every single word down before I lose it. I want to have these words on hand for every time I’m stuck looking down on myself- that I need to look up to myself.
It’s been a rather unpleasant few days at home. Le Demented Dad has been more demented than usua, the assignments have been piling up, work has been piling up, and as the piles of things to do and unresolved anger grew, I was steadily pushing myself lower and lower.
I didn’t want to deal with anything, I couldn’t find it in myself to deal with the same old shit, yet again. The absolute wall of no-way-out was standing in front of my face and I simply couldn’t find the will to look beyond it, as I always do. The minute my sleepless weekend got done with, I dragged my backside to a local bar to grab a couple of drinks, sit in solitude and finally get the thinking over with. And I did just that for an hour or so, and then randomly called a friend to join me. And that’s where everything changed.
I haven’t really had a lot of time alone with this friend before. I mean we’ve spoken, many times and about a lot of things, but always topics that skimmed the surface of who we are as people. Nothing like the bare all conversation we had today. Nothing as honest, nothing as illuminating, and god, was it illuminating.
And it was just a few simple words from him that changed everything I was feeling, everything I was looking at. Rather, the things are exactly the same. My house, my hellhole, my hellion of a dad, everythng is EXACTLY the same it was when I walked out the door in the morning. But the way I was looking at everything was completely different.
His exact words to me were- Let it go.
Let it go. Your father’s a mad man and you wake up into the same suffocating atmosphere every day. Let it go. You feel right now like you don’t have a way out of this mess. Let that go too. You’re feeling despondent, you feeel stifled, you’re refusing to face the things that you have to face- let it all go.
Because life is beautiful. Life is the biggest gift the universe can give, and we have been given it. We are ALIVE. We wake up each morning with our limbs intact and a roof over our heads, that’s something to be grateful for. We have destructive fathers, but mothers who have to have been made from the purest earth by the very hand of God- that’s something to be grateful for. We are intelligent, we are educated, we are honest people. We have been given the opportunity to help others, in small or large ways, and that’s something to be thankful for.
It’s difficult to move past mental blocks sometimes, and it gets difficult to look beyond that barrier in front of your eyes sometimes, so don’t. Let the barrier exist where it does, smile and grateful for something to lean on, and keep tunneling around it. At no point should you ever let yourself feel anything but loved. Because at no point is our situation so bad, that there’s nothing to be grateful for- and there is so much, so much to be grateful for.
And I feel like a changed person. I walked into my house and I looked, I really looked at my mother. I really looked at my house, my room. For every corner I’ve been beaten in, for every room I’ve been locked in, there’s another memory to overwrite with. As bad as my childhood was, I grew up here. There’s height notches (where they stopped anyway, hehe) and Harry Potter on the walls. I can cover the bloodstains with that. For every thing that has gone wrong, I know of something that has gone right. It’s all a matter of what we choose to see, what we choose to focus on, and I’m glad I’ve been set right. It’s one more thing to be grateful for.
We are a speck of a planet in the middle of infinity on all sides. And we are a speck on the surface of the planet. If I think about that for one minute, the ‘magnitude’ of my problems gets instantly dwarfed by the very miracle of my existence. For that I am grateful. I have been given a life that’s tougher than some people have it, but I know, a lot easier than a lot of people have it. For that I am grateful.
I have to live with a man who’s purpose of existence is to spread misery in the name of religion, ‘training’ his children, and life lessons. And in doing so, he’s taught me exactly what NOT to be as a person. For that, I am grateful.
I have been given love. I have been given so much love that it’s downright insane. And I have been given the opportunity, a person to love with everything that I am. That is a miracle as of itself. I have been given a partner with compassion, understanding, and possibly the world’s largest serving of common sense. For all of that, I am grateful.
I have been given the ability to speak, a platform where I can stand up on the internet and spread my arms out to the world. For that I am grateful.
I have been given perspective by a wise, wise friend. For that, I am very grateful.
The world is beautiful.
Life is beautiful.
We are broken. We are whole. We are beautiful.