Day Fourteen- for the prompt ‘white noise’ from the amazing J.R. Rogue.
What is white noise, until it isn’t?
To Catch A Thief
To catch a thief, you need a shoe
And maybe some blueberries
Skim milk, cereal-oh wait, that’s for
Breakfast- no, get cherries
A pair of socks will do you well
A bed head is a must
An itchy toe is just the thing
A sense of self robust
Spirit, willing, determination
To go get yourself shot
At least, get 1-2 fractured knees
Work with what you’ve got
To catch a thief, you’ll need the shoe
Berries are for a distraction
The pair of socks to help you creep
Up closer, ninja action
The bed head so your silhouette will
Strike fear in the hearts of men
The itchy toe will keep you awake
Where courage fails; then
Surprise the bastard in the dark
Pelt him with fruit unseen
Let him feel the point of your shoe
Poking his neck, lean! Lean!
Put your weight into it, if
You only stretch up chest high
And keep the will to get shot handy
Thieves tend to be ready to fly
Between the milk, and the stabbing heel
You’ll have a thief ready to be caught
Good thing you saved the milk for breakfast
– look at that, didn’t even get shot.
My bedroom’s the one closest to the door. So at 4 am today, when the light outside flickered on and off for a minute, being the raging insomniac I am, I bolted awake. I listened very, very closely. There seemed to be some sort of scuffling near the gate. My dogs are on the other side. After a few moments of crippling sleep paralysis, I somehow moved with leaden limbs and dread pouring through me.
There was a thief in the house.
I got out of bed, looked for a weapon, and picked up a heel off the rack. Then I picked up the blueberry jar in front of my door and tiptoed out very, very softly- Bruce lee would have been proud. In the span of two minutes visions of my dead family were dancing in front of me. It’s a wonder I didn’t flat out run or wobble in the dark- I’m one of those people who can trip on thin air. And I knew it- the front door was open.
I crept closer to the door from the darker side, just in case the burglar was standing on the outside. Still holding the heel- in retrospect, not a bad sleepy choice – and the damned blueberries. There was a steady clack-clack-clack coming from the yard- was he trying to get into the shed? Why did he leave the door open and go into the shed? Had he run out with something?
I did a quick survey of the hall. All the bedrooms seemed peaceful enough, all the doors shut. Swapped the berry jar for a torch on the counter and sneaked out into the yard, going barefoot and slowly because ninja and all that, but I didn’t want to surprise the man and get stabbed. I went around the house- he was there, a dark shape, washing something on the outside tap??? I froze, confused as hell. Suddenly he swung around and started walking towards the house, in my general direction. Now or never!- I let out an almighty shriek like an avenging banshee and jumped out onto him.
Hopped out, more like. Dad screamed right back at me.
He’d got an emergency call at work and was leaving. All the sneaky fuss had been to make sure he didn’t wake us up- mom had already gone back to their room. He was waiting in the yard for the cab to pick him up, when he noticed the dog’s dish was lying in the grass and went to rinse it. Which is when I came charging out from the side of the house in my pajamas, holding a high heel aloft. And all the screaming woke the dogs up, who, bless them, had slept through every scrape and rustle we’d made till the surprise-surprise!
I mean, my response isn’t completely kooky. This exact thing has happened before when I was little. One of the nights when dad was away, mom got up next to me suddenly and walked straight out to the living room and chased a burglar out. She’d counted an extra head, and instead of screaming, in a fit of adrenaline fueled courage, gone after the thief before he went into our rooms. She actually did chase the man out. And he was so shocked by this charging specter out of nowhere that he ran for it. He took all the VCR and the speaker system with him though. Mom chased him into the street, and then he just ran for it. It’s weird how almost ten years later, I did exactly the same thing.
And if you think I’m making any of this up, think again. It’s now 5 am and I’m writing this down because I can’t sleep, and what the actual fuck, I nearly my stabbed my father with a shoe.
Those who have known imprisonment, know
Freedom can be found even in a flower
And you wonder why I love rain
We were not reared in shade, in gardens
This desert has bred
I walk in dreams, where no one sees
Be still; I know where you lie
But you do not know
They trapped her soul in the
Heart of a diamond
She sparkled like a star, and yet
They found flaws in her
This night sky stretches on like a lost ocean
It seems to me that
I am doomed to drown tonight
Five Parts of Her’
Being up before dawn is quite something.
The fact of the matter is, I miss God.
I sit here writing this with a cigarette dimly glowing in the ash tray, an inch from a still glass of golden whiskey, and a fresh lungful of smoke- the irony, is not lost on me. But I’ll persist. I can’t wait to talk about this anymore. It has to be now.
For months now, my sense of loss has been growing. It’s like an abrasive tack pierced inside the wall of your heart. Time and movement help the wound grow, and moral stagnation helps the infected edges fester. I’m afraid that my spirit’s grown rusted, and I know why.
This is the precise reason I didn’t want to write about it, and wanted to talk to a friend about it instead. Too much explaining to do before I can get to explaining my need to be understood, and my edges are dulled tonight. But there is a decided lack of Muslim friends who are ready to talk reasonably about the effects of ‘promiscuity’ and alcohol and living in sin on the soul. Indeed, I could name one, and not even another, who would agree to such a conversation without resentment and judgement lacing their tone. That implacability and refusal to bend, denial of the existence of another approach to faith, was one of the prime reasons I migrated away from accepting such ramrod people as friends at all. The lack of understanding, the lack of empathy, for something as basic and essential as religion or the lack of it in a person, was completely unacceptable to me, and still is. But in leaving all the stout and rabidly vocal believers behind, I seem to have left all believers behind, and it would take some looking to point to one of those who are dearest to me and do not take the concept of God with a pinch of salt.
I left those other people behind a long time ago. The ones who would point a finger at me because I’m ‘ungrateful’ and ‘disobedient’ to my demented father, or would shun me because I refused to marry the man who ‘ruined’ me, because in time, he turned into a monster too and I’ve had enough fucking monsters in my life for a lifetime. It mystified them that I could love to meditate in the morning, after praying. They rejected the idea as alien, and foreign. Some of my closest friends in our community were appalled that I could sit at a Hindu puja all day, when my mother’s best friend had her annual party, and like every year, I was there after dawn to help her prepare the masses of fruit and flowers. Those who can’t accept that I could sit in a room full of ‘strange’ boys but love them like brothers, and want to nurture them that way too. Those who could not understand how I laid my immortal soul down at the feet of an atheist, and how he raised me up to understand my God more than the religious monsters before him could have fathomed.
And none of them could even begin to understand how those seemingly godless men were my blessing. How each of us bowed to a different name and some, to no one, and yet, they make my life so full of meaning that I overflow with love. My days were and are blessed- but I miss being able to give thanks, because these are not the things I’m supposed to give thanks for.
I miss waking up blessed. I miss making my ablutions for prayer, sitting down with my earmarked and well thumbed Quran and flipping to my favorite verses for a quick read before I moved on to the parts I’d planned to read. I miss hearing a few lines of the call to prayer while on my way to or from work, passing some mosque or the other, and repeating them. I miss those moments when I would hold back from swearing or unleashing a torrent of fucks on whoever deserved or didn’t deserve it, because I knew at the back of my mind that I would have to answer for it one day. I miss looking at the sky and knowing I was sheltered, Even though, at a stage, I grew to be constantly angry and bitter, resentful of the freedom God chose to gave to those who deliberately stifled me, and in turn, resentful of God Himself.
I don’t know how to describe this basic need, this hollowness in my head and heart, this absolute emptiness. Somewhere on the path to independence and fierce self definition, I stopped walking under God’s hand. I didn’t feel comfortable to take His name with a mouth that reeked of alcohol or smoke, so I stopped praying when I drank, and eventually stopped praying at all. It didn’t make the slightest difference in the quantitative analysis f my faith- indeed, I fought, argued, and debated more vociferously for the honor of my religion than I ever had in my regularly praying life. I used to make it a point to dodge talking about Islam at all. In today’s world, my belief is an expletive, and while I was NEVER ashamed, I was non-confrontational with those who wanted to make a scene about it, even while I blessed them and walked away. And after I stopped praying, I believed and believe more strongly than ever. I just never counted on missing the peace of a prayer mat so much.
And all the while, the deficiency kept building. These days, it’s become an almost physical ache. I deflect my mother’s questions as to whether I’ve prayed. She knows that I’m going through a struggle, and she’s letting me find my way out myself. I ignore my sister’s silent accusatory looks, because I was the only one who she respected, when it came to religion and practicing it. Other friends who I’d spoken to about this before, gave me some strange answers about a girl of my intellect being duped by these archaic Abrahamic religions, after which I never turned to them. I didn’t want to answer to anyone, and I didn’t have to, did I? so I stopped. I stopped and at some point, I realized that God had stopped answering too. I had been looking away from the lack of communication so determinedly that I didn’t see that it had stopped.
I can hardly complain about being forsaken when I walked away, can I?
A heart knows, a heart always knows. I knew His presence so closely, and now I know the silence. And I know that all I need to do is repent, ask for forgiveness and He will, He will, He always does. He loves His flock to come to Him willingly, rather than from fear of pain or fear of His wrath forcing the realization. And instead of watching from behind the curtain when my mum wakes up in the middle of the night to watch the Live telecast of the Friday prayers from Mecca, and bursting into hot tears and going back to bed, telling myself that this life isn’t for me anymore, if I just directed those tears to Him, He’d listen. It’s not as if He’s not already listening. I don’t even know why I picked up the laptop and started hammering away at it, it makes no sense to me. I’m half drowned in whiskey and the ratio of oxygen to carbon monoxide in the room has shifted a long time ago. But I was still mocking myself, and I think I’ve had enough of chasing distractions and hiding behind excuses. I’ve had enough of this enforced spiritual loneliness.
It’s raining outside. Are you listening, God?
Where Do You Love?
Where do you love me,
In the course of the day?
Am I your mornings, rainy and grey?
Or sunlight, a call to another beginning?
Am I your twilight, dim and still
Am I your night?
Where do you love me,
As a companion, as help?
Am I to subserviant, or
an equal, treated well the same
as you, do you look up to
me with respect
Where do you love me, when
I’m quiet, and you’ve left?
Where do you love me, tell me
Do you know what it is
Have you learnt yet that to love
is to accept that
You can break?
Have you hurt yet, have you fallen
and seen that I stand
ready, to catch you if needs be
Have you needed to take
Where do you love me, when
I’m angry and
you can’t understand?
There are mountains of upheaval, and
ripples of self flagellation
There are constellations of dreams and
Figments of imagination
And if you haven’t seen them yet, as
Where will you love me
When our demons come to call?
If you still don’t know, if
you’re still refusing to see it,
-if you’re refusing to say it
Will you love me at all?
The problem with intensity, is how quickly it takes up capacity. Saturation… Like how you can have one bite of a
sinfully thick chocolate sundae, but maybe two, or three, if it’s a light vanilla. Like how you can drink your way through a six pack of beer, but four fingers of whiskey will sear into your brain. Probably why I’m okay with cigars and cigarettes- Hookah is for amateurs.
There’s a reason they call it a ‘burning intensity’. There’s also a reason that we find moments of focused emotion and energy scattered in a span of days, or weeks. Our minds do not reach epiphanies once each day- that cannot. We do not transcend except in parts. We do not look within except in glimpses. Our bodies, our nerves, our realization,
would blow a fuse. We are not built to function, with that sort of ferocity.
Even though we crave it.
We crave the fierceness. We reach for it. We retreat to lick our wounds and heal, just as quickly, too. It’s called our space. Some people need more of it, and some people need less. Some need seemingly none at all, and seem to thrive
off their day long social interactions and emotional attachments. Others are tired just by having to hold a conversation with a stranger. Making words with meaning in them… Seems like the unlikeliest thing that could take a toll on a body, but it does. Interaction is… a shift of essence. I suppose it’s only logical that it would drain us, or replenish us accordingly.
Makes me wonder about the physics of it. You seem to do both.
I wonder when I made that shift. I know how I made it, but I wonder about the ‘when’. Was it a subconscious choice? Was it a defense mechanism? I don’t know that. What I do know is that I chose to devote the sum total of my energies to loving you, and loving me. That completed me, fulfilled me, in a way I hadn’t thought possible. And those strands that I held on to, are all that remain. The intensity with which I love where I do, burns brighter than the lights of the rest of the world.
Insignificant, inconsequential. How much of ourselves we give away, how much we gain. It is astonishing how much who we choose to love changes us- as does how we choose to love.
Where does your flame burn from?
Where do you love?